same shit, different day.

I once read that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

is that what we're doing here? madness?
because I can assure you, I'm going crazy.

if I remember correctly, you are the one who said you wanted a relationship; you just wanted to take it slow.
okay, no problem.
the problem is, you've gone right back to ignoring me. and that's not okay.

I've been trying really hard. I call you, I text you, I try to get you to hang out with me. and every time, you either shoot me down or come up with some reason at the last minute to ditch out on me.
when Jasmine and Jodi were in town, I desperately wanted you to come hang out with us; it was really important to me that you met Jasmine. but when I called to invite you, you laughed at what we were doing and then said no. $30 out of your life to spend some time with me and a really close friend of mine is a laughable idea? thanks for making me feel about 2 inches tall.
I wanted to take you to a movie; you bailed on that. I understand if you've got to finish moving, or if you have to study ... but you didn't even bother to try to reschedule. you just left me hanging, when I told you I would be at home all night.
so I tried to reschedule to watch the debates yesterday. you said you'd call me when you got out of school. I waited for your call. when I finally called you, you were on the freeway almost home already!! don't give me some bullshit excuse about how I sent you to voicemail. either leave a message or send me a text. you love your fucking Twitter so much, send me an update or something. it's total bullshit and you made the least amount of effort possible to keep yourself looking like the good guy.

and the sex ... you once told me when you were in your other relationship that you couldn't stand that she only wanted to have sex once a week.
it's been something like 3 weeks for us! I can't even remember when the last time was. WTF?
am I not interesting enough for you? am I not fun enough for you? am I not pretty enough for you? do you look at pictures of Melanie and wonder how you could have slumped back to me? because trust me, that's what's running through my head constantly.

you live 20 miles away from me. but you are literally down the street from my house 6 days a week. there are tons of opportunities for us to get together. and you know that i would travel all the way to your house if I had to, just to see you. why is it so hard for you to pick up the phone and call me? why am I not important enough to you to want to see me? why am I still the one making all the effort, and getting no results?

and the worst part of all this is, there is no definition to this relationship. are we acquaintances? are we friends? are we working on being something more?
or was that something you just said so you could get laid one more time?

I don't understand you. you spent so much time lamenting to anyone who would listen about how messed up I was, how I was the one who gave you an ultimatum, how unfairly I've treated you ... you made everyone sick hearing about all your issues with me and no one wanted to hang out with you because of it. and then when we started talking again, you went right back to doing all the things that led me to give you the ultimatum in the first place! so why even bother? why tell me that you want a relationship when it's total bullshit?
you twist your words and your philosophies around so that you always end up looking like the poor unfortunate soul. you tell me you're not ready for a relationship so I'll leave you alone. then you tell everyone that I gave you an imposisible ultimatum so I'm the bad guy. then you tell me you do want a relationship but you just want to take it slow. then after a week of good company, you ignore me for another three weeks. but I'm not supposed to get mad at you because we're "taking it slow". then today you change your facebook update to looking for a relationship? WTF? yes, that matters to me. as petty and as juvenile as it sounds, it all matters to me. I can't ever get you to see me face-to-face, so the Internet is all I have left. and don't tell me you did it for no reason; you knew I would see it and you knew I would pick up on it. you probably even knew it would make me mad. way to go; it worked.

I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play. obviously I'm losing. and looking like the complete psycho along the way. is that what you're trying to do? are you trying to get back at me one last time, trying to make me look and feel like a fool for trying to be with you, before you give me one last huge embarrassing moment to carry with me forever? because that's what this all feels like. one big fucking game. and I'm really getting tired of playing it.

I'm not going to say I'll stop talking to you because we all it's not true. I could say I want to cut everything off, but everyone knows that the moment you walk through the door and say "I want you back" I'll melt all over again. so thanks for taking me on the most selfish, cruel ride you could possibly take me on. it seems like the more I try, the less you try, and the bigger fool I look like in the process.
so I guess I'll see you when I see you.

--by genevamae, Las Vegas, NV, 10/08/2008