Dear Justin.

Friend,

I read some articles about mormons opposing gay marriage in California today, and I thought about you.

I know you rejected your faith, but I still wondered...what destroyed life for you?
I guess I wondered why you left. I'm always wondering why you left.

You know I've gone over the theories before--there's the matter of Sara, and the matter of Jeff, and then the drugs, everyone picking on your freshly shaven head--the bills you didn't pay, the crimes you might've committed--...

But was it Justin, really, who free-falled 20-some stories without a single drug in his system?
Or was it just your altered consciousness that made you do it?

Today I asked myself, "Was he gay?" You know, on account of Mormons buying out the California legislation to prevent those "godless homos" from tying the knot.
Don't be offended, please. You know it's not an unfair query. And all this stigma about gayness is something I no longer feel like apologizing for to anyone --not just you. To me, it's not a bad thing to be, so asking if you were gay is not meant to offend you.

Do the dead get offended, anyway?

That's what happens when you throw yourself off the roof of the Radison - people wonder. People ask questions.

Does it make any difference that I think about you? Does it make a difference that sometimes I type in your name on the google search bar, waiting for an answer to pop up?

Today, I can tell you, I wish I'd been more mature. I wish I'd seen the distance in your smile, and had the will to try and make it change.
You were a really handsome man, with the greatest sense of humor-- you H. brothers were charming men of high caliber. and I'm glad, at least---I feel lucky, at least, that I got to dance with you once.

I hope we'll do it again sometime.

Until then...
Always wondering about you,
And always wishing I had thought to help.

-N.

--by SleepUnwisely, Mars. Or wisconsin. Whichever., 01/18/2009