Dear Batshit Drummer Boy

Hey Asshole, ---no, not you, the one with the REALLY SMALL DICK,


I'm in your fucking city right now, and you're in New Mexico getting wasted at a Rainbow Gathering. Congratulations on being a huge pile of shit.

You are a bag of dicks. Here's the side of the story you're never going to hear:

1) The first time I made out with you, it was because I wanted to kiss a nice boy in a band, and tell my friends how awesome it was. It had nothing to do with your looks, or your garish charm - or your stupid lines, "Maybe you're the angel" - PLEASE, I didn't fall for it then, I fucking laughed you off, and let you buy me a drink 'cause you're RIDICULOUS and therefore non-threatening. Truthfully, I thought your nose was kind of big, and your feet kind of small, and I wasn't impressed with the mottled state of your ink.

2) I had NO intention of fucking you EVER - seriously, in fact, when you told me, "Get in my bunk" I was ready to hit you in the face with my purse. But, I got in your bunk, because you spouted more bullshit like, "BLAH, you're INTOXICATING, BLAH" and I thought to myself, "Gee, listen to all this bullshit. I don't know how often this boy is getting any. Clearly he is desperate if he is using these lines. Maybe I ought to kiss him some more in private."

3) To your credit, you rule at kissing. However, I was a LITTLE put off by the size of your pantswand. I've never had a funsize..e.r.... love bar(? too much), and when you asked me to suck on it, I was seriously opposed. I thought, "I'll have to bury my whole face in his crotch just to get it in. Nope. Fuck that."

4) I was impressed by your willingness to accompany us to pizza, although the conversation was awkward - like we'd just tried to bring the bus love public and the world wasn't having it. I was SO mortally embarassed during the entirety of our visit, I bought a slushy at the pizza counter even though I fucking HATE slushies, just so I could have something to GRAB 'N GO.
Did I mention I was WASTED? Thank god I wasn't slurring.

5) Saying goodbye to you was PERFECT TIMING for me at that moment I wish I'd just let myself believe that coming down off my monumental Liquor High was what left the aching hope in my chest - but hearing you say shit like, "I'm coming to get you when this tour is over," and "I'm going to come visit you." Like, what? WHAT? I felt sad, like we were becoming friends and I didn't want to cash out yet, because you sounded so SINCERE.

6) We talk online and you are ten kinds of sweet. I am at a loss for words. Did it mean something? I PANIC, WHAT IF IT DID, and I MISSED IT?

7) Flashforward - my boring life causes me to pull a sweet groupie move and flock to you on tour in Kansas City. I drive 8 hours, high on my own daring, to see if we really "have" something. You are all kisses and smiles and when you hug me I can't fucking believe I just did what I did, and do I even like you? Kissing feels right, but who the fuck is this guy and why did I drive 10 hours to kiss his face? Fail.

8) Add a drink to that combination and I'm GOLDEN - I'm flirting with you while you're at the drums, thinking this ain't so bad, but...I do have to be drunk to be comfortable with you. I do not trust you.

9) BUT THEN YOU GET OFF STAGE FLYING ON XTACY OR SOME SIMILAR NARCOTIC AND CONVINCE ME THAT WE HAVE JUST FALLEN MASSIVELY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. (cough) I can't fucking believe that despite all the drama on the bus with people Hiding their Eyes (namely YOU) and all the touching my face and hugging me and telling me, "Oh, I'm falling so hard for you" I can't believe I COULDN'T TELL IT WAS COMPLETE SHIT. In my defense, I've never hung out with anyone ROLLING before, and you didn't have the courtesy to tell me, so here I am thinking for some reason I've met a man who is crazy about me ---when, in reality, he is JUST FUCKING CRAZY AND A LITTLE CRUEL.

Now if someone ever does fall in love with me like that I have to think twice, because your bullshit fuckass wrecked it for them. Thanks, asshole.

10) You want to have sex because you claim you haven't in a year or more - I tell you a hundred times how scared I am to sleep with you because I have trust issues, and you fucking pretend to care even though I'm practically crying, and reassure me, again, with some H-core crap, "If I had a painting to point to, or a poem to compare it to, I would--" to prove that this is REAL, so I go with it, because who doesn't have sex on the back of a tour bus with a boy who has just said, literally, he's falling in love with you? Fuck. You're such a cock.

11) The sex is LAME, I'm not into it, you come in like 5 minutes, I'm stricken by the smallness of your junk and mad disappointed. THEN, you keel over for a grand total of 2 minutes apologizing, "It's been a long time, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

I just realized how dumb you look on paper. This rocks. I'mma keep it up.

12) We snuggle cuddle on the bus and you talk CRAZY about how you and I should set up Ben & Holly, like we're some couple or something. And then while sitting on my car you tell me to move to be near you and say some shit about relationships and...Ugh

I can't go on, you're too fucking cruel and/or stupid and all of this just makes me feel bad.

You're off somewhere right now doing the same thing, and I hope I never think of you again.


ONCE Unreasonably Yours,

LBomb

--by SleepUnwisely, Mars. Or wisconsin. Whichever., 07/03/2009